Moving on.

My dear, @melvifonggg

I'll be honest with you, moving on wasn't easy.

After my first heartbreak, I let myself down, I let someone else's opinion of me determine my self worth. I was admitted to ICU and was hospitalised for a week after taking 250 pills when I felt that life wasn't worth the living. My friends and family tried to be there for me but all I did was to push them further and further away. Filling my whole world with complains of how 'pitiful', ' unloved', 'alone', 'worthless' I was, I allowed myself indulge in self pity. I was pathetic. It didn't stop there, I literally became the worst version of myself, it was unthinkable. I surrounded myself with the wrong people, I stopped going to school, I stayed high most of the time, I let men and the relationship that I had define who I was. I allowed my failed relationship to be an excuse to cheapen myself. I looked for love in all the wrong places.

After all that had happened, I still managed to convince myself that I couldn't be happy without him, so I went back again.. and again.. and again... It took me a year and countless break-ups to realise how toxic this relationship was for me. After finally coming to this realisation, I went on my route to recovery.

“To get over the past, you first have to accept that the past is over. No matter how many times you revisit it, analyze it, regret it, or sweat it…it’s over.” ~Mandy Hale

I gave myself time to cry and hibernate at home. Stop filling your mind with whys and blaming yourself for all that happened. I know now, I'm better off without him. You'll get people coming to tell you how you should be feeling, and assume that they "understand". But you know for a fact that no one will ever understand how you feel at that moment. But you also know, you'll get through this.

Eventually, thankfully, I reached out to the correct people. I kept myself busy to not focus on negativity. *Note; Do not force yourself to forget everything that had happened by keeping yourself busy. That way, everything won't start to fall over you again when you've got nothing left to do. It might help to tell your friends who allows you to vent in 10 minute intervals. This give you the freedom to express your feelings without bring overwhelmed and drown in them.

I knew that I was in this dreadful situation because I allowed myself to stay in that relationship when all factors are scouting at me to take the next exit. I worked on forgiving myself. I couldn't help but blame myself for making the biggest mistake of my life.. for staying.. And that if any point of time I had chosen to leave, i would have been better off.  I know now that  I'm only human and I make mistakes, I will take these experiences with me and help those around me. I will be a better me than I have ever been. I mean, there's no point dwelling over the past...

Whether you've just had another setback chasing your dreams, just got rejected by someone you care about, came face to face with tragedies of life, or you're just feeling drained from the ups and downs of this unforgiving journey of life, remember that things can turn around in an instant. Beautiful things happen when you least expect it. Forgive yourself. Forgive others.

A point to note if you're in the path of moving on. STOP trying to look out for him/her. Delete your Ex off your media, your contacts or anything that could possibly give you a glimpse of them. You might feel like he or she is still your responsibility. Feel that you need to make sure that they're in better hand... but NO! It's your time to be selfish. It is your chance to love yourself the way he/she never could. Which brings me to my last point.

Love yourself. You don't need to meet someone else's expectations in order to feel special, loved, or happy. When you're truly happy, it should come from within. nobody can ever take that happiness away from you. Remember, you were once happy without him; you will be happy again. You will be able to love someone better when you learn to love yourself. I know some people may say that 'Happiness means loving yourself and being less concerned with the approval of others' but know that this sentence only plays out in a selfish world where everyone takes care of their own porch. The world is a crazy place, and its crazy to think that you'll be sufficient on your own. Don't become that selfish whore who take advantage of the people who loves you and show no love in return. To my dear girls, your failed relationship is not a reason to cheapen yourself.

As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously motivate others to do the same. Release self-neglect and love yourself in action. #loveyourselfchallenge

If you're feeling isolated or feel that you can't trust anyone around you, feel free to reach out to me @dj.ying on Instagram OR ask.fm me ask.fm/ahyingms (hide your identity if you feel uncomfortable exposing who you are, I'd understand)

I hope this post has helped some of you or serve you as a reminder that you're not alone.
P.s I don't care how you think of me but I will NOT allow anyone to use any of these against me. I'm not proud of who I was but my past don't determine who I am.

Goodnight xx!